Oh my freaking God. I'm a disastrously insecure person. It's no wonder why people misinterprate my actions and all. Anyway, let me clarify cos I don't like saying this out loud.

I don't like the feeling of being forgotten. Its my own insecurites that eat me alive you see. It's not really your fault, its my own heart that starts to sabotage my mind. So when I keep quiet I'm just trying not to think about it. I don't want to tell you what's wrong for fear of crying in front of you. I don't wanna say anything cos its awkward and it'd be kinda horrible talking about it. So just know that sometimes I need to be left alone / distracted. Okay? Hope you don't think any less of me for my queer ways of going about things.

Anyway, I'm oddly reminded of how when you see somebody that you think you recognise but you're not wearing your specs so you can't see properly and in the end you look like you're skowling at him / her. Hence, you will forever be known by the person as a ____. Heh. Interesting how the world works ay?

EVERYBODY'S JUST TOO OVER-ANALYTICAL!
Haha. Yes, including myself.
lallie | 11:20 PM

Okay. I just realised that this blog layout doesn't publish the titles of my posts. Just in case you're a bit lost, which I doubt since the meaning is quite clear, this was the title of the previous post,

Why Are English Guys So Freaking Cute?

Haha. Please feel free to comment (:
lallie | 9:54 PM

Aaaah. Let me get a bit boy crazy for a while. I just watched this movie called Chasing Liberty starring Mandy Moore (hmm) and this kinda unknown guy, Matthew Goode, if I'm not wrong, and he is just sooooooooo cute and gorgeous and hot la. Anyway, I think one major factor contributing their hotness is their accent. Its just too swoon-worthy for words. Even in school their are a few swoon worthy people but their faces do not give enough justice for their sexy voices unforturnately. Oh well, they say that God is fair. But this guy I'm talking about, is just perfect in every way. Sigh...

Oh well, that's enough of that. Promos are in a few weeks, PW written report is due tomorrow and I'm doing this. I'm so freaking powderful lah. Happy mugging everyone else out there!

Footnote: I forgot to write about TPJC's DramaNight. I got to meet the usual beautiful suspects. I'll say Manifestasi was a better production than this and that means a lot seeing that my Malay isn't really up there. But that Hongkey Robert guy was funnayy. And guess what, he's somebody's boyfriend! Haha.

Second footnote: Dance is killing me (:
lallie | 9:33 PM

PW is S-H-I-T. Baskety baskety shit. I am so freaking happy I'm in charge of Written Report. And I'm also so freaking happy that 'in-charge' is taken so seriously since I'm the one who is 'in-charge'. Grrr

I think all the homework that is given to us now is enough to cover me in a mountain. How wonderful. Oh wow, how coincidental, I'm listening to I Predict A Riot by the Kaiser Chiefs. I wonder what the school will do then. Hurhur. They're really pushing us. Hopefully it doesn't come to nought.

So iLearning(140805) wasn't as slack as I predicted it to be. I mean it was simple enough but I had my dental appointment and dance practice (which was later to be cancelled but which I also rushed like crazy for -_-) so in the end I got Dicky to do my GP assignment for me. Haha. Yes, I owe you BIG time (:

Random thought #01: LITERATURE! Why oh why did I not take you?

So I finally watched Dim Sum Dollies today! Weeeee! It was funnnaayyyy! Haha. There were a whole range of issues. There was a part where there was this Expansions Centre (Instead of Expressions) where skinny/slim women wanted to become fatter/curvier and were like so ashamed of their skinniness/slimness. Haha. Here here, I say. No offense skinny/slim people out there. There was also something about how insignificant our Singapore Icons are as compared to other countries which although funny, holds much truth. Their was also mockery at the whole NKF thing and also how we should produce more children(which was quite dirty :p). There was a small part where Pam Oei performed this song about "If I fall in love, shoot me in the head" because all her past experiences were completely disastrous. Freaking hilarious I tell you. Haha. The other hilarious one was the Bollywood thing. Heh. Everything holds so much truth but you would never have thought to think of it that way.

So ya, I enjoyed myself. I'm a happy girl today (:
(Apart from the PW thing. BASKET!)
lallie | 9:40 PM

Today when I got into the lift I pressed number 3 instead of 4 and still got out without giving a second thought. Now that's a sure sign that something is wrong.

I never get any good news. Let me sink into oblivion and be an unknown. Its so much better than being recognised and referred to for all the wrong reasons.

I didn't have any dinner and I just went straight to my room. I was reading 8Days when bro came in and was there to listen to and comfort me. I feel safer when I can expose all my emotions and stuff within the confines of my room and the only witness being my brother. Its easier. I don't like letting other people see me cry or whatever. It makes me feel ashamed of myself and also makes me feel vulnerable. Come to think of it, I can't even let myself laugh freely. There's something wrong with me. And I thought I had a happy childhood. Nonetheless, people do see me cry but luckily they're my friends and hopefully they don't judge me. I still hate doing it though. I feel like an emotional burden to others.

Anyway, so now, Harris is going to make me run with a backpack packed with bottles filled with water. It's all for my own good but I'm reluctant just thinking about it. Mind over body, Farah. But that's the problem! My mind can't even put itself to any task. Argh. I'm so frustrated with myself.

There were nice things that happened today but I can't bring myself to put them up. I'm not sure if I even remember what nice things happened. Please excuse my blog for being so melancholic nowadays. Do come back later.
lallie | 11:30 PM

I am praying that this entry will not go and delete itself like its predecessors. BASKET! Seriously. Anyway, first thing first,

I AM SO SORRY TO YOU ALL WHOM I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET YESTERDAY BUT COULDN'T BECAUSE I'M SUCH A PIG AND SCHOOL HAS MADE ME THIS WAY.

I seriously do feel really guilty and I promise I'll make it up to you all. Please don't hate me :(

I haven't blogged in ages and I feel that I don't know how to anymore but then, how hard can it be right? Just spit out your feelings for the world to see. Good/bad? You decide. Thankfully, this blog isn't very publicised, thank goodness. But there are still times when you have to think twice before you post something up. I have also come up with a resolution. I shall not bore myself (&you people) by posting long rantings of what I've done today. I read other people's blogs and its just one long soliloquy where there seems to be nothing interesting to see. I mean I have nothing against people writing only for themselves but when you want to read your own writings don't you feel you'll be bored to death? I know I would. But I'm weird so you can't completely trust what I have to say. So, back to blogging...

DENIAL IS SHIT
Here are things I have long gone stopped denying to myself
[x]my physical appearance
[x]my smartness
[x]my common sense
[x]my conversations

I feel I am a failure as a human being. I'm stupid, I'm boring, I'm completely retarded sometimes and am an eye-sore. Now is it any wonder why I'm depressed all the time. I wish I could just be happy with myself but its such a hard thing to do. There's nothing to be happy about. And I'm a coward so suicide isn't an option.

I was having a conversation with my mum in the car and it was past midnight and I was overly hyper and then I asked, why did she name me what she named me. She said, "Don't you think it suits your character? I think it does perfectly, like now." She asked me could I imagine myself being a Jasmine for instance and told me to imagine what a Jasmine would be like. I said I only thought of Princess Jasmine (hur hur) but then I said it made me think of someone dainty and girly and she agreed. Thus, I realised I am so totally not a Jasmine. She said Farah is someone who's happy, outgoing, friendly and easy to get along with. "I think you're like that". Oh if only she knew man. Maybe I'm only like that around the family. Am I really like that in the real world?
But after that conversation I kind of really appreciated my name for once. There may be millions of Farah's in the world but how many Farah Hana's are there? She added the Hana so as to make me more rounded. She liked the Japanese ring to it and said it was nicer than the German's Hannah. Hana means flower in Japanese by the way. Its also supposed to mean beautiful. Unfortunately as I have finally come to realise a name doesn't make a person. You are what you are.

Enough about that. Its kinda saddening. Let me say I wanna watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but the thing is, when? I seriously feel like I have no time for anything nowadays. It totally sucks. I'm just so happy I only need to go to school next week on Monday and Thursday. And Monday is a half day so that's only 1 1/2 days in school. National Day + iLearning Day = LOVE

I need to go study now since, a) I NEED to and b) Promos are in another 8 WEEKS TIME! =/
Please pray for me



lallie | 12:56 AM